Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
