My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Randomize
