dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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