The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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