He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Everclear isn't food dammit
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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