Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
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Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
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There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
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