I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
