DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
The air taste purple.
Randomize
