I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
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