i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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