I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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