"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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