I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
