i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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