I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
This is the high leading the old right now
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
