Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Randomize
