The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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