he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
