Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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