Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Randomize
