I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
