I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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