are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
