I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
