We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
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Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
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Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
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