One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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