If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
