sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Randomize
