Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
