you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
