btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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