2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I supernannyed him into submission
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
