I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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