grandma shit on top of the toilet
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
