her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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