Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Randomize
