I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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