Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
We named our party play list daddy issues
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Randomize
