I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
