I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
