Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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