dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
