I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Good cause the way I see it, we are down to DAYS left of college so we should have as much naked fun as possible. And Jenga really facilitates that.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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