Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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