i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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