Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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