ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
