The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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