Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
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