if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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