i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
