i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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