I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
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