why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Randomize
