It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Pants are for mortals
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
